This job.

I used to love my job. Truly, I found enjoyment in every aspect. When people asked me if I liked my job, I would always respond that I love my job. But, as all things do I guess, this job is losing its captivating powers. Instead of feeling proud and respectable, I feel embarrassed and useless. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I love solving problems and getting to use authority. However, the mere $8 an hour that I earn from this job is not enough to keep my interest. Furthermore, it appears that I have become just another employee, and that my boss couldn't care less about me. There is little-to-no trust in our relationship and he seems to favor those women who have looks and zero brains. The posts I work are not challenging. The people tend to drive me crazy. 

Lately I find myself applying for multiple jobs that I don't want, because I cannot stand the lying, cheating, scamming and blatant disregard for accounts as well as employees. Morally, I cannot bring myself to put more time or effort into this job. 

It's just sad because working security was always something I wanted to do, and at first, I thrived. However, I feel my experience has been ruined in the long-run and that I can no longer find joy in the safety field. If I have learned anything from this company, it is how NOT to run a business. My boss is a unique man, and I have tried my damnedest to work  my ass off for him. I just cannot sit by and allow a company that I represent to mistreat people on a daily basis. 

Good things could happen with this company if proper actions were to be taken, but I do not foresee that happening in the near future. So, for now it is time for me to pursue other options and to expand my employment history. 

I think another large part of this matter is that I have a "weakness" in which I need to feel needed in my engagements. At first, like I said, this job was wonderful. I stood out from other employees and I strove to be the best. Now, the pretty girls and the cops get the attention. I feel as if my boss is almost trying to get me to leave. Well, if that be the case, you win. I'm out. You can take this badge and shove it up your ass.

-This job-

#shitthatpissesmeoff

Long Hours.

I was reminded of this blog by a friend today, and I realized that it has been some time since my last post.

I'm sitting here at work, contemplating my life and all of my struggles, shooing away bees, and chain smoking menthols. Long hours. Three hours down, 10 more to go. I understand that it may seem petty to bitch about a job in which very little is required of me. Being a security guard is not exactly challenging. However, I do spend a lot of time attempting to figure out my life. I'll go into 5 of the main things in my life right now.

1) Thought I was gay for a lot of years, but I now identify as "pansexual" which basically means I am attracted to personalities over physical attributes. Met a man who keeps a smile on my face and a giddy feeling in my stomach, and for the first time in a very long time I feel desirable. :)

2) I need to find another job. My bills are greater than my paychecks and I'm riding the struggle bus for a little while. Taking applications for a sugar daddy. Haha. I've never really been concerned with money. I do understand that they make more every day and that there are thousands of ways for me to earn a living. Sometimes, it's just hard to look at an empty bank account.

3) My roommate is moving out in a month. She had a falling out with her beau and cannot live in the apartment due to the memories. I think that is total bullshit, but I won't complain. She drives me crazy. We are currently going on a week-long dishes strike. I usually grab food on the way to work, so the dishes in the sink are not mine. I'm not caving this time. She comes home from work at 4:30pm and goes to bed until 7am. It's unhealthy to sleep that much. She also runs up the electric bill, leaves her shit everywhere, and still cannot manage to take the trash out. I did get new hardwood floors which look incredible and make me feel better, so that's a plus.

4) The idea of having kids and starting a family is growing on me. We'll see where that takes me.

5) I have always had a lot of confidence in myself as a human being. I walked around like I was cool shit and had everything figured out. Not so much anymore. Now, don't get me wrong, I still think I'm cool as hell (:P) but the media has a way of really getting to a girl. I'm too fat, too mannish, I don't wear makeup, I don't paint my fingernails. I don't care about celebrities, and the news is depressing. Yet, I know that no one feels worthy of the breaths s/he is taking. The media does a good job of making every individual feel like an inadequate piece of shit. So, fuck you media. Fuck you and your fall outfits and new diet plans and workout tips. Fuck you and your ability to make beautiful people feel like they aren't worthy of love and attention. And fuck you so hard for ever making me feel like I don't deserve happiness.

-Long Hours-
#shitthatpissesmeoff

Here is a picture of a llama. 

Mental Illness.

Seeing as how it has been forever since I have written here, I will update you quickly.
-I have a new dog - Ruby, she is incredible.
-I think I had a girlfriend? Who knows. It was strange. It ended.
-Still in love with the past.
-I'm really bored with life.
-I was diagnosed with anxiety.

Who cares right? Haha. Seriously, these issues are my own. My ex keeps texting me and telling me to get laid. My best friend said she would help me hide bodies. My dog shits in the apartment. I smoke and drink like I'm getting paid to do so. These are my problems. Most of them caused by me. Am I crazy? I didn't think I was. However, some people seem to think that I am. Some people think I have bipolar disorder. Now whether I do, or whether I don't, should it matter? What's a pill other than an alteration. I don't want alteration. I want addition. I want my life and then some. I want danger, adventure and rush. I want to feel on top of the world. Like I could die in that very instant. I want to fear something more than the dark. I want to stop smelling dog shit. I want the dishes to be clean and the trash taken out. Simple things. Simple additions.

I'm obviously rambling without cause. No one reads these anyway. For that, I am sure. I did meet someone though. His name is Sean. He is absolutely incredible. Just hands-down the best man ever. He cares so much about everything, and yet, nothing at all. He makes me wonder, he makes me learn, and he makes me want to be me.

So I'm not crazy. I'm not "dealing with shit." I'm just bored. I want more. I want danger.

Mental Illness
#shitthatpissesmeoff

The end of the world.

So tomorrow is the "end of the world," and I am just going to say everything on my mind.

1.) I have never felt so alone as I do as of late. It is no one's fault save my own. I could go out and meet people, but I guess I am waiting for the right person to stumble onto my path.

2.) I get bored so easily. I want to be doing something. I want to make something or drink something or buy something. I just want to get out of the house and live.

3.) I just realized I am watching the Disney Channel.

4.) I just changed that.

5.) I found myself in a bit of a hard spot a few weeks ago when I found a new home for my puppy, Diesel. I legitimately loved that dog. He was my homeboy. He has a wonderful new house though, and his new family loves him.

6.) I am even bored of writing this blog.

7.) The world won't end.

-The end of the world.

#shitthatpissesmeoff

Being an Adult.

I know, not something that would usually be bitched about, much less blogged about. However, it's not always a great thing; being an adult. It's annoying. My social life is harder than my school life this year.

I am finally 21 and I hate it for the most part. I like the occasional drink, but I haven't been "drunk" in months. That being said, I don't mind buying alcohol, but it is rare if I am ever paid back. R a r e. Again, not something I really complain about. I just am at a weird place in life.

I don't have a girlfriend, or even a fascination for that matter. The idea of sex doesn't interest me. I haven't even flirted with someone in weeks. I just don't want to get set up for another heartbreak. The worst feeling in the world, to me, is hurting someone because I can't love them the way that they need to be loved.

Diesel is driving me crazy. I love that we have a dog, but he is keeping me from sanity. All he wants to do is play and pee inside and walk and pee more and chew on everything. I understand he's a puppy, but it's extreme. He is currently in his cage and pissed. Bark away buddy.

It seems that the bills never stop. Rent, food, toilet paper, puppy food, puppy rent, electric, cleaning equipment and a thousand other things. I have money, but it isn't going to be there forever.

I lack patience lately. I am quick to annoyance. Very quick. I want results and I want them within a few minutes. I don't understand the hesitation with things. Just do the shit that needs done. I don't understand how things don't get done. Take the trash out, do the dishes, sweep the floors and shut the hell up. Walk the dog, make food, clean up after yourself and be quiet. Praise shouldn't need to be given for such simple tasks.

Anyway, I will shut the hell up and stop bitching. Here is a photo I took from an airplane. Enjoy

-Being an Adult.-
#shitthatpissesmeoff

Potty Training.

I recently decided to get a puppy with my roommate. It was definitely an impulse buy and now, although I am happy to have him, I am progressively going insane. I am not a motherly/fatherly figure by any means. I don't like kids and I want little to do with them. Potty training is kicking my ass. Just when I think Diesel, the puppy, gets the concept of going outside, he pees on the carpet. Of course I have to scold him, but then he legit turns into Mr. Pouty Face and I feel horrible. I hope this ends soon because I am at my wit's end. I feel like I'm rushing the little fella to grow up, but I just want him to get it. Anyway, more from me soon. Love the little thing. He is the only man I will ever love. 

Potty Training.
#shitthatpissesmeoff

Stupid anger.

So this is going to be super short.

My phone has been eligible for an upgrade since August 2011; I've had a blackberry since 2009. I was finally looking to get a new phone with my refund money at the start of the Fall semester, but then Christmas came. My dad decided to get us all new phones. It was exciting, but no one listened to me when I asked how that would work since only my phone was able to be upgraded at the discounted cost. Anyway, they decided it would be too expensive, so we get new phones as our contracts expire. Now, even though the one upgrade was on my phone, and I was very excited to buy the iPhone that I've wanted for years, we decided that my sister, being the oldest, should get the phone. She just got it today and I'm salty as fuck. I shouldn't be upset about this. I should be happy and excited for her, but I'm pissy.

I'll get over it in time, but it's irritating.

-stupid anger.
#shitthatpissesmeoff