This job.

I used to love my job. Truly, I found enjoyment in every aspect. When people asked me if I liked my job, I would always respond that I love my job. But, as all things do I guess, this job is losing its captivating powers. Instead of feeling proud and respectable, I feel embarrassed and useless. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I love solving problems and getting to use authority. However, the mere $8 an hour that I earn from this job is not enough to keep my interest. Furthermore, it appears that I have become just another employee, and that my boss couldn't care less about me. There is little-to-no trust in our relationship and he seems to favor those women who have looks and zero brains. The posts I work are not challenging. The people tend to drive me crazy. 

Lately I find myself applying for multiple jobs that I don't want, because I cannot stand the lying, cheating, scamming and blatant disregard for accounts as well as employees. Morally, I cannot bring myself to put more time or effort into this job. 

It's just sad because working security was always something I wanted to do, and at first, I thrived. However, I feel my experience has been ruined in the long-run and that I can no longer find joy in the safety field. If I have learned anything from this company, it is how NOT to run a business. My boss is a unique man, and I have tried my damnedest to work  my ass off for him. I just cannot sit by and allow a company that I represent to mistreat people on a daily basis. 

Good things could happen with this company if proper actions were to be taken, but I do not foresee that happening in the near future. So, for now it is time for me to pursue other options and to expand my employment history. 

I think another large part of this matter is that I have a "weakness" in which I need to feel needed in my engagements. At first, like I said, this job was wonderful. I stood out from other employees and I strove to be the best. Now, the pretty girls and the cops get the attention. I feel as if my boss is almost trying to get me to leave. Well, if that be the case, you win. I'm out. You can take this badge and shove it up your ass.

-This job-

#shitthatpissesmeoff

Long Hours.

I was reminded of this blog by a friend today, and I realized that it has been some time since my last post.

I'm sitting here at work, contemplating my life and all of my struggles, shooing away bees, and chain smoking menthols. Long hours. Three hours down, 10 more to go. I understand that it may seem petty to bitch about a job in which very little is required of me. Being a security guard is not exactly challenging. However, I do spend a lot of time attempting to figure out my life. I'll go into 5 of the main things in my life right now.

1) Thought I was gay for a lot of years, but I now identify as "pansexual" which basically means I am attracted to personalities over physical attributes. Met a man who keeps a smile on my face and a giddy feeling in my stomach, and for the first time in a very long time I feel desirable. :)

2) I need to find another job. My bills are greater than my paychecks and I'm riding the struggle bus for a little while. Taking applications for a sugar daddy. Haha. I've never really been concerned with money. I do understand that they make more every day and that there are thousands of ways for me to earn a living. Sometimes, it's just hard to look at an empty bank account.

3) My roommate is moving out in a month. She had a falling out with her beau and cannot live in the apartment due to the memories. I think that is total bullshit, but I won't complain. She drives me crazy. We are currently going on a week-long dishes strike. I usually grab food on the way to work, so the dishes in the sink are not mine. I'm not caving this time. She comes home from work at 4:30pm and goes to bed until 7am. It's unhealthy to sleep that much. She also runs up the electric bill, leaves her shit everywhere, and still cannot manage to take the trash out. I did get new hardwood floors which look incredible and make me feel better, so that's a plus.

4) The idea of having kids and starting a family is growing on me. We'll see where that takes me.

5) I have always had a lot of confidence in myself as a human being. I walked around like I was cool shit and had everything figured out. Not so much anymore. Now, don't get me wrong, I still think I'm cool as hell (:P) but the media has a way of really getting to a girl. I'm too fat, too mannish, I don't wear makeup, I don't paint my fingernails. I don't care about celebrities, and the news is depressing. Yet, I know that no one feels worthy of the breaths s/he is taking. The media does a good job of making every individual feel like an inadequate piece of shit. So, fuck you media. Fuck you and your fall outfits and new diet plans and workout tips. Fuck you and your ability to make beautiful people feel like they aren't worthy of love and attention. And fuck you so hard for ever making me feel like I don't deserve happiness.

-Long Hours-
#shitthatpissesmeoff

Here is a picture of a llama.